Say Yes to Life!
We have just passed the first anniversary of my mother’s death, and we are days away from what would have been her 85th birthday. Of all the many lessons I learned from my mother, her parting and hopefully longest lasting one was the most impactful. How do we say “yes” to life, no matter what it throws at us, with a spirit of gratitude and joy?
Less than a week before my mother’s passing, we were in Kaiser hospital in Oakland. She had been bed-ridden for months, and had just dealt with a pretty awful trip to the emergency room. She was hooked up to various devices to deal with the problem that brought her there when the doctor came to check in on her patient, asking, “Hello, Ruth, how are you doing?” From her prone position on the hospital bed, emaciated and clearly at the end of her life, she answered enthusiastically and with her trademark beautiful smile, “I’m wonderful!” The doctor hesitated a beat, and then asked if she was being sarcastic! Of course, she wasn’t. She was in a perpetual state of grace for the better part of her last months and even years, as she embraced love and gratitude and let go of all those ego-related things that often prevent us as human beings from realizing our best, love-filled selves.
One of my closest family members has always had some extra special powers of intuition and clairvoyance. Some of you reading this might not believe that these powers exist, but back before cell phones or video calls, when I was a second-year teacher and a student was shot and killed outside my classroom, I received a call from this person who was living on the other side of the world as soon as I got home from school that day. Her first words were, “What’s wrong?!” After my mother passed away, I was given a message from this same loved one from my mother. It was what I’m sharing here, as we cycle back to these key dates in her life: Say yes to life — and all that it brings!
On the occasion of my mother’s great-niece’s Zoom high school graduation celebration last June, her parents asked close family and friends to share some words of wisdom. Here were mine:
- So much of life is about learning to be fully present and grateful for everything that life brings. It’s great to plan ahead, but as we’ve all learned, there are limits to how much that is really possible. It’s nice to reflect on where you’ve been and remember your past, but we typically spend way too much of our present focused on the past and future. Fully experiencing every moment, and being grateful for all of the many blessings that we have, is a key to happiness, good health, and a less stressful existence. Much of meditation is about learning how to do this. Being present and grateful includes being present and grateful for the hard stuff, too. All experiences contain lessons for us, and even in the darkest moments, there are blessings.
- I took a class this semester that included a focus on meditation and mindfulness. In it we also learned about a school of thought that says that the one thing that is completely within our control is how we respond to any given situation. The choice is between being a “victim” or a “player” and it is healthier and more fruitful to choose to be a player, always. One philosopher argued that even in the most extreme circumstances, such as a Nazi concentration camp, we still have this choice. It also reminds me of the Martin Luther King, Jr. quote: “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and complacency, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” How do we respond to any given situation? Who do we want to be?
- The final life lesson I’d like to share is that in the end, life is all about love, the relationships that we build, how we show up for others, how we work in love to improve the lives of those whose lives connect with ours. Love is this magical thing, and maybe the one infinite resource that there is; the more you give, the more you receive. I believe that love is our connection to others, and also to the divine, to the rest of the universe, and to the world of those who have passed away. The capacity to love others is the most powerful tool that we possess as human beings and it can and should be cultivated and developed to the best of our abilities.
As I honor March’s anniversaries and my mother’s memory — and continued presence — in my life, I can think of no better way to celebrate her than to pass on these lessons to others.
These continue to be challenging times in our country and our world. It is so easy to succumb to the pain, sorrow, violence and hate that we see all around us. To refer to the words of Dr. King again, let’s decide to “stick with love” and avoid the heavy “burden” of hate, and stand up to the hate we see around us. Here’s to showing up for our fellow humans with humility and an open heart, to finding grace even in the face of all of life’s challenges, to remembering to be grateful for our blessings, and to embracing life — and love — fully!
